Deep

It’s very hard to live life after a miscarriage. And that’s the truth. I wish, like all other women that it has happened to, that it never happened. It’s hard to live in the moment and be present here on earth when you know that there is a special piece of you cradled in your Father’s arms that you can’t be with.

shell heart

It’s so weird, this feeling, to miss someone so much that you have never met.

It brings tears. Tears and a crazy brokenness. A brokenness that you think could only be mended with that child in your arms.

 

And it hurts to think that this broken heart might be hindering my ability to be everything I was meant to be to my family. I have this extra love to give but I feel like it’s still stuck inside of me.

It’s hard to question your life and your ability to live it and all because another life was taken from you.

 

It’s a painful season to go through alone. And this is hard to say, but it’s incredibly hard to want another child when your partner, the one that you support and stand beside and trust with your life, does not. There’s no doubt about it, kids are expensive, and having another one would put a lot of stress on him to provide for us financially. I’ve seen him in that place before and I hurt deeply for him. He just wasn’t himself. We were rough on each other during the kiddo’s first couple years. And a lot of it was on my part. But I struggled with the feeling that I loved her more than he did or ever could. And those feelings are hard to push out of your head.

But I feel like it is wrong of me to pretend like I don’t want something just because he doesn’t. Because I do want it. I want it so bad that it brings me to tears of utter devastation. I used to block those tears, push them back and away. I shoved that devastation deep down and pretended that it was nonexistent. Because why give in to a feeling that doesn’t seem to matter anyway?

 

Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, nearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.” Psalm 126:5-6

 

Joy and a spirit of rejoicing.

Amen.