It’s taken me all day to post this. I literally sat down at my computer at like 10 this morning. I kept purposefully putting it off. It is now 3 in the afternoon…

I’m here physically but not mentally. As it has been for the last several days.

I’ve been trying to purposefully choose to be happy. To turn my thoughts from negativity to positivity. For my health. For the sake of the mood around the house. Mainly for my mind. I mean, I personally don’t want to be around a Debbie Downer all the time. And I apologize for being one lately. No I don’t. I do… but I don’t. You understand. I’d just rather go through life happy and positive and upbeat…

But these last few days have hit me hard.

They knocked me out last night as I literally just fell over in tears on the kitchen counter. I couldn’t control it. There was no way for me to mentally or physically lift myself out of that one. I gave up. I wanted to run. To go away. To leave. But there was no where to go. No where to hide. So I just cried there, in the kitchen, tears soaking my face and my hair. Shaking my head and trying to speak but not having even the slightest clue as to what to say. I think I just wanted to groan. But even that wouldn’t come out.

I really thought I was on the upside of things. Things… this miscarriage. That I had come to terms with it all. But I haven’t. Oh Lord help me I haven’t. Yesterday, today and tomorrow mark 1 month of it all. Yes 3 days. The day I felt what was going on but had no clue, the next day living in wonder, and the next day going to the dr’s to make it official.

I knew that these days would come when it happened. That I would actually live to see another day and have to deal with them when they came around. But saying how you’ll deal and dealing are oh so different. And there are more to come… and I’ll cry over them. More like sob and try to hide in the closet while sneakishly grabbing the box of tissue on the way there. But I will live another day. (there’s that positive thinking for ya!) I’ll laugh with my beautiful daughter. I’ll hold my husband’s hand tightly. I will be blessed beyond my imagination. I will live and look forward.

 

But right now, right now I’m just going to cry for a bit. And then a bit more. And probably even more after that. And just when I thought I couldn’t cry anymore, I will. And it will feel horrible and it will feel good at the same time.

Because I know that there’s always tomorrow and it will bring happiness and blessings and love. :)

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